Finding Myself in the Middle of the Street

Here goes random stuff again. Bear with my chaotic thoughts and try to keep up, okay?

So, I was reading blogs from other people and thought to myself, I used to write a lot and see a lot of things by just looking around and could compose so many stuff in a minute. I used to be so engrossed with thinking and …

You know what? I think I lost myself.

There were times when I actually don’t know what I really like or how am I really like because this “spongebob-like” in me takes its toll on me. I mean, I get to absorb people’s hobbies and interests and thought that I like them as well but later on I would realize that I really am not interested in their stuff. When I hear people that they don’t like this and that (but these things are my interests), I tend to dislike these stuff.

Crazy, right?

The craziest part is when I get to absorb people’s way of talking to people and responding to situations.

I get confused, to be honest.

Sometimes, I ask myself, what is it that you like to do? How do you really talk to people?

And when I can’t answer them, I walk around the empty street and think. Really think.

Then I would remember …

I am a kid at heart that easily gets happy with little things like having small but deep talks with people you love, listening to music while traveling, watching the rain fall from the sky, eating a lot of food, swimming in the river, staring at the moon and the stars, writing nonsense things …

I know I was simple.

I don’t know what changed me.

Then, I was reminded that even if people are uninterested with what I do or like (or even if they find me funny), I shouldn’t change.

Just do what you love to do.

Be dramatic. Be romantic. Be nonsense. Be complicated.

You don’t have to care about what they say and think about you. 😉

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Relentless

It started as a thought. Then it turned into an imagination. A dirty imagination. I was aware of these thoughts and where it is leading. I knew I shouldn’t have thought of it but it seemed like I couldn’t stop my mind. Or maybe — I didn’t want to seize it. I loved the thought. I love the feeling it’s giving me. And … there seemed to be no guilt in me.

Then like a movie, it ended. I ended it. I ended it only when I was already satisfied.

And soon sin crept in. No, it was already creeping the moment I opened the door for it.

The weigh of that sin was so heavy and dark that it depressed my heart. I felt guilt and condemnation that I cannot contain; worthlessness in the sight of the Master.

Then, He reminded me of that song …

Your grace, Your grace, will always be greater than my sin. It carries no limitation, the promise of Your grace.

“God, I can’t! This is too much. How could You!” I whispered. “But where can I run to sanctify myself but into Your arms.”

But the battle is not finished.

Another thought came in. At first it seemed harmless. Then anger came. Bitterness followed. And then evil overwhelmed me. There were words and threats that I wanted to say, consequences that I didn’t mind and choices that were not according to Your will. I lost my soul there.

Then, He sang again …

Your love, Your love, it takes me just as I am. It melts all of my defenses, the wonders of Your love.

And so I screamed, “God! Come! Rescue me!”

You, God, are relentless with forgiveness. How it covers me! Your grace is sufficient, and its mission is to cover me.

Your love covered me.

You showered Your grace that I may be redeemed and found blameless.

This is unmerited favor.

And You love me, Lord relentlessly. Your love has captured me.

Meltdown.

 

19th of the 9th Month at 20:25 PM

Just sittin’ here wasting time watching the street and counting wheels and feet.

I don’t feel like leaving my spot.

This is one of those cranky days where you leave your mind in a state of fog and open your heart on the spot of vulnerability.

My other choice is to go home and put myself in a deep sleep hoping tomorrow I’m back with my old vibrant self.