Finding Myself in the Middle of the Street

Here goes random stuff again. Bear with my chaotic thoughts and try to keep up, okay?

So, I was reading blogs from other people and thought to myself, I used to write a lot and see a lot of things by just looking around and could compose so many stuff in a minute. I used to be so engrossed with thinking and …

You know what? I think I lost myself.

There were times when I actually don’t know what I really like or how am I really like because this “spongebob-like” in me takes its toll on me. I mean, I get to absorb people’s hobbies and interests and thought that I like them as well but later on I would realize that I really am not interested in their stuff. When I hear people that they don’t like this and that (but these things are my interests), I tend to dislike these stuff.

Crazy, right?

The craziest part is when I get to absorb people’s way of talking to people and responding to situations.

I get confused, to be honest.

Sometimes, I ask myself, what is it that you like to do? How do you really talk to people?

And when I can’t answer them, I walk around the empty street and think. Really think.

Then I would remember …

I am a kid at heart that easily gets happy with little things like having small but deep talks with people you love, listening to music while traveling, watching the rain fall from the sky, eating a lot of food, swimming in the river, staring at the moon and the stars, writing nonsense things …

I know I was simple.

I don’t know what changed me.

Then, I was reminded that even if people are uninterested with what I do or like (or even if they find me funny), I shouldn’t change.

Just do what you love to do.

Be dramatic. Be romantic. Be nonsense. Be complicated.

You don’t have to care about what they say and think about you. 😉

Secret No. 1

And they say they can’t understand me. They say they can’t tell if I was being real. They say they get confused. Sometimes I’m dead serious. Sometimes I’m quiet and bored. Sometimes I’m very formal and stern. And sometimes I’m just the exact opposite of everything I do and it makes them crazy. 

The truth is, all the serious look and formal talk is just a big cover-up just to maintain the teacher’s reputation. Sucks, right? I guess we can’t get away with standards. 

But, you know, I kinda miss my crazy, kiddo side. I miss being happy, those times when you actually don’t mind what people think and say, when you just do what you love and say what you think … just being pretty reckless and tactless.

Living The Moment In Mati

“I’ve had the time of my life. No, I never felt this way before. I swear it’s the truth and I owe it all to you.” đŸŽ”

I’m still 23 and I have sworn to myself that I’m going to enjoy every minute of my life so that when I get old and look back, I’ll never regret anything about the time of my youth.

On October 25, 2016, I travelled out of town for the first time. Well, I had some of my scary thoughts like what if I puke along the way and hassle other passengers in the vehicle or what if I won’t survive the journey or what if I ran out of pocket money or what if I get lost (but that won’t happen though because I always stick with the group).

But thank God, I didn’t feel sick, even a slight headache.

So I arrived at Davao Mati on Tuesday night (same day we travelled). I had my adventures but I don’t have much pictures because I obviously enjoyed every moment of it.

The very main reason why I was there in the first place was to witness the long-awaited wedding of our youth pastor. We were accommodated well (and the hotel price is shockingly cheap) and there were a lot of food (free).

The wedding was a bit, mmm, tiring because we suddenly became instant ushers of the couple’s guests (governors, mayors, church leaders — big guys!). Nevertheless, we just thought of it as a service of love for our youth pastor.

We had our trips around the city too. Right behind us is the sleeping dinosaur. You can’t just see it clearly from this angle though. You need to be on top or might use a drone;).

We visited the beach too. Their cottages are placed in the middle of the sea so when you get tired from swimming, you can just climb up to the stairs ang rest. Cool, huh?

There’s also a boat and a floating cottage where you can just sit around and talk if you had enough swimming. We had some kayak too (got no picture).

But my favorite moment above all is the road trip. Enjoying the sceneries of mountains, hills and plateaus, waterfalls and rivers, transformation of clouds, and the moving trees and beautiful flowers while listening to the songs of Eraserheads, 6 Cyclemind, Silent Sanctuary and other OPM bands and artists.

I had my quiet moment at the back of the car as I whispered to the Lord. I said “I don’t always enjoy your creation so I’ll take this moment and feel good about it. No regrets. Not at all.”

A Message From My Mess and A Testimony From My Test

A reminder that I am a barrier breaker! 😀

Post taken from my Tumblr account.

 

Open Letter To Myself

December 30, 2015; 11:35 PM

Dear Eleonah Jane,

24 hours and 25 minutes from now, it will be another year for you. There is always something to look forward every time another year is about to be unfold. Are you ready? Is your heart ready?

This year wasn’t your best year. Not at all. This has been the toughest year you had yet. This year was a topsy-turvy ride. You got confused but you didn’t seek for answers. You struggled; you tried to fight but when you felt losing you compromised and quit fighting. You were like a dead fish flowing with the current. You got your heart broken, felt empty and sad inside. You cried a bucket of tears and got tired. You got so weak, lost, condemned 
 you forgot who you are.

You were so messed up.

You didn’t notice you were living in the dark for a year. And what? You missed a lot. You missed praying for people when they were so sick, helpless and in pain. You missed encouraging those who are dying inside. You missed telling people that Jesus loves them. You missed the opportunity to be used by God. You missed the moments to be in His presence. You missed the times when He wanted to talk to you. You wasted your time.

You knew it. You were aware of it. Yet you chose to run away from God. Remember the night when you blurted out that you wished you could fast forward time? You knew it’s impossible.

God is changing you from glory to glory. He is preparing you for something good. These things you are going through – they are up to something good.

Now, make a firm decision. Step on a higher level. That makes things tougher. Do more. Have more. Love even more. Appreciate people more. Pray even more.

Take your shackles. Be free. Stop being afraid

Unfinished Business

This four-year old post is one of my notes in my Facebook Account. It was posted on the 14th of April. I just thought that it’d be nice to post it here.

I find it a little bit funny though. I could imagine my twenty-year old self babbling, so hyperactive and so carefree. My choice of words were not that cool as well, even the sentence construction was a bit awkward.

But I did some editing hehe.

Okay, here it goes:

I guess everyone already heard about my life. For those who didn’t, I wanna share a part of me which played a big scenario in my life. Actually, I thought of it as nonsense but I just realized that half of my life revolved in this particular issue, my father.

Well, as everyone had known, I was born out of wedlock. My parents were not married. Since I was born, I never knew my father but I saw his photograph. However, unlike other people who shared the same fate as I had, I wasn’t dramatic and I didn’t feel incomplete at the thought of not knowing my father. I was not curious about him neither even wished to see him. I just lived life the way I was brought up.

I didn’t know what the truth is. However, I had theories taken from people who just can’t shut their mouth, people who kept on talking about us as if we are characters from their favorite teleserye.

Actually, I heard three versions of the story and every version had three different antagonists. One story says that it’s my mom’s fault; the other one blames my father; and while the other one insists that it’s my grandfather’s fault in the first place.

But, you see, I refused to hate my mom and my grandfather so I chose to blame my father instead. Yes, I lived hating him not realizing that it’s a poison to my little mind. I was young back then. But when I grew up, I came to realize that I lived to that decision even if I didn’t know the entire truth. My mom knew the truth but she never wanted to talk about it so I refrained from asking.

But when I became a Christian, I learned to forgive because God has forgiven me. I won’t be a hypocrite. It’s hard in the first place and I struggled. But forgiveness is God’s will.

Okay, settled. I forgave him even he had no idea and even if he didn’t ask for it. I said to God, “Lord it’s enough. I forgive him but I don’t have to see him and talk to him, right?”

I don’t want to see him not because I hate him that much but because I was afraid. I hate awkward moments. I don’t know what to say if we meet face to face, and I’m afraid of what he would say. I also hate crying. For short, I am not prepared of meeting him face to face.

There was a point in my life when I really felt that something’s lacking although Jesus already made me complete. I woke up one day finding the hole. I wanted to close that hole even it’s not affecting me much, even if it’s not making me bitter or even if it’s not hurting me or whatever. It won’t move me from my current disposition.

I’m not empty or bitter. I just want to end an unfinished business.

So, if one day I would be brave enough to face my fears as a battle to conquer, I‘d be very victorious.

I never thought I would want to find my father. I once searched for him on Facebook and uhm, I was a bit unsure if it was his account. The place and mutual friends were right. I mean, hahaha, I could just laugh of the fact that he is NOT THAT GOOD-LOOKING. He is so old and my mom is so young.

I did laugh hard right there. Did my Mom actually fall for this guy? Hahaha 
 Sorry for being so judgmental but I must say that Mom has no taste. Oh well, so much for discriminating my father, I really decided that I’ll be searching for him. PERIOD.(SOMEDAY, I HAVE A STORY TO PUT HERE! STILL WAITING. FAITH!) 

Well, unfortunately I had no sequel for this. Not yet 🙂

Relentless

It started as a thought. Then it turned into an imagination. A dirty imagination. I was aware of these thoughts and where it is leading. I knew I shouldn’t have thought of it but it seemed like I couldn’t stop my mind. Or maybe — I didn’t want to seize it. I loved the thought. I love the feeling it’s giving me. And … there seemed to be no guilt in me.

Then like a movie, it ended. I ended it. I ended it only when I was already satisfied.

And soon sin crept in. No, it was already creeping the moment I opened the door for it.

The weigh of that sin was so heavy and dark that it depressed my heart. I felt guilt and condemnation that I cannot contain; worthlessness in the sight of the Master.

Then, He reminded me of that song …

Your grace, Your grace, will always be greater than my sin. It carries no limitation, the promise of Your grace.

“God, I can’t! This is too much. How could You!” I whispered. “But where can I run to sanctify myself but into Your arms.”

But the battle is not finished.

Another thought came in. At first it seemed harmless. Then anger came. Bitterness followed. And then evil overwhelmed me. There were words and threats that I wanted to say, consequences that I didn’t mind and choices that were not according to Your will. I lost my soul there.

Then, He sang again …

Your love, Your love, it takes me just as I am. It melts all of my defenses, the wonders of Your love.

And so I screamed, “God! Come! Rescue me!”

You, God, are relentless with forgiveness. How it covers me! Your grace is sufficient, and its mission is to cover me.

Your love covered me.

You showered Your grace that I may be redeemed and found blameless.

This is unmerited favor.

And You love me, Lord relentlessly. Your love has captured me.

Meltdown.

 

The Things I Wish I Am

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You know, there were times when I wished I am not who I am.

I wish I had pretty long legs, a pointed nose, a flawless and fair skin and a curly hair.

I wish I could sing at the right tune or execute accurate dance steps.

I wish I was discreet and mysterious.

I wish I walked with grace or dressed so femininely or talked very gently.

I wish I loved cleaning, cooking and arranging things.

I wish I knew how to socialize with people irregardless if they are elite or just commoners.

I wish I could hug and kiss people when I miss them without feeling awkward and prejudice.

I wish I knew how to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

I wish I was sweet and loving and thoughtful.

I wish I was calm and non-violent.

I could wish for so many things that I am not.

 

But you know, oftentimes I am glad that I am not someone I wished I am, that I am not like anybody else, that I am who I am. I have every good reasons why I should love myself and stop wishing who I am not.

How I look at myself, God has a different perspective and it is no secret. And how He looks at me is all I ever want to believe and all I want to become.

There’s a beautiful reason why I am glad that I am who I am.