This four-year old post is one of my notes in my Facebook Account. It was posted on the 14th of April. I just thought that it’d be nice to post it here.
I find it a little bit funny though. I could imagine my twenty-year old self babbling, so hyperactive and so carefree. My choice of words were not that cool as well, even the sentence construction was a bit awkward.
But I did some editing hehe.
Okay, here it goes:
I guess everyone already heard about my life. For those who didn’t, I wanna share a part of me which played a big scenario in my life. Actually, I thought of it as nonsense but I just realized that half of my life revolved in this particular issue, my father.
Well, as everyone had known, I was born out of wedlock. My parents were not married. Since I was born, I never knew my father but I saw his photograph. However, unlike other people who shared the same fate as I had, I wasn’t dramatic and I didn’t feel incomplete at the thought of not knowing my father. I was not curious about him neither even wished to see him. I just lived life the way I was brought up.
I didn’t know what the truth is. However, I had theories taken from people who just can’t shut their mouth, people who kept on talking about us as if we are characters from their favorite teleserye.
Actually, I heard three versions of the story and every version had three different antagonists. One story says that it’s my mom’s fault; the other one blames my father; and while the other one insists that it’s my grandfather’s fault in the first place.
But, you see, I refused to hate my mom and my grandfather so I chose to blame my father instead. Yes, I lived hating him not realizing that it’s a poison to my little mind. I was young back then. But when I grew up, I came to realize that I lived to that decision even if I didn’t know the entire truth. My mom knew the truth but she never wanted to talk about it so I refrained from asking.
But when I became a Christian, I learned to forgive because God has forgiven me. I won’t be a hypocrite. It’s hard in the first place and I struggled. But forgiveness is God’s will.
Okay, settled. I forgave him even he had no idea and even if he didn’t ask for it. I said to God, “Lord it’s enough. I forgive him but I don’t have to see him and talk to him, right?”
I don’t want to see him not because I hate him that much but because I was afraid. I hate awkward moments. I don’t know what to say if we meet face to face, and I’m afraid of what he would say. I also hate crying. For short, I am not prepared of meeting him face to face.
There was a point in my life when I really felt that something’s lacking although Jesus already made me complete. I woke up one day finding the hole. I wanted to close that hole even it’s not affecting me much, even if it’s not making me bitter or even if it’s not hurting me or whatever. It won’t move me from my current disposition.
I’m not empty or bitter. I just want to end an unfinished business.
So, if one day I would be brave enough to face my fears as a battle to conquer, I‘d be very victorious.
I never thought I would want to find my father. I once searched for him on Facebook and uhm, I was a bit unsure if it was his account. The place and mutual friends were right. I mean, hahaha, I could just laugh of the fact that he is NOT THAT GOOD-LOOKING. He is so old and my mom is so young.
I did laugh hard right there. Did my Mom actually fall for this guy? Hahaha … Sorry for being so judgmental but I must say that Mom has no taste. Oh well, so much for discriminating my father, I really decided that I’ll be searching for him. PERIOD.(SOMEDAY, I HAVE A STORY TO PUT HERE! STILL WAITING. FAITH!)
Well, unfortunately I had no sequel for this. Not yet 🙂