Sadist-masochist. Hyper and impulsive. Impatient and hot-tempered. Manipulative and dominating. Sensitive and insecure. Inferior and proud.
Yes, I was a very temperamental, complicated and hard to handle kind of kid.
“I can’t be friends with a person like that.”
“I tried to understand her but argh, I give up.”
“Just ignore her.”
“I had enough of her.”
Those were the common responses that people usually have when they get to know me well. Only few remained patient and understanding. Thus, I used to believe that people find it easy to just put their hands up in the air and turn their backs on me.
But nobody seemed to see the struggles that I go through with this complicated temperament — the frustration when I can’t express the message I try to relay and when people get the wrong interpretation; the guilty feeling of hurting or offending someone when you don’t mean to; the pain when people start ignoring you; and the unsatisfied emotional needs and the idea that you can’t demand any of it.
They think I was just a normal stubborn kid but, you see, I was a troubled child that nobody seem to realize.
It was a struggle that I need (and willing) to deal. I refused to remain that way.
But the greatest struggle that I went through was the process of eliminating that character to be transformed into that person God designed me to be. And it didn’t take place in days, weeks or months but years and seasons with no definite end.
It was hard, at first, and I couldn’t understand why do I have to get hurt and go through hard trials. And why it takes so long to embrace that long-awaited change.
He makes all things beautiful in His time and sometimes pressure and friction are added to complete the process like a gem being chiseled, a diamond being polished, an iron being grinded and like a gold being heated with fire. My struggles were for that moment, that beautiful moment of perfection that God intended.
I know and believe that after all these things I am going through, what He has in store for me, the plans and purpose, are to be unfolded.