Cut Off. Cut Away. Cut Through

 
#MyKindOfJuly1
Psychology says that women who cut their hair are broken-hearted ones. Mmm … fallacy! Not all women who cut their hair had their heart broken. But on a side note, cutting your hair could be a style or a mode or a kind of process of letting go and moving on.

Do I have something to let go and to move on from? Is that why I cut my hair? 😂😂😂

Well, I guess so.

Aside from the fact that I’m too lazy to comb my hair, I had my reasons why I cut my hair.

I did it because it’s symbolic. I need to CUT OFF from the past, CUT AWAY my present and CUT THROUGH the future. Too much cuttings, right?

Well, here’s the deal about it. Recently, I found myself stuck in the previous season, that I kept on comparing my past with my present. I kept thinking about how golden my days were during that season, how excellent, how passionate, how young and free … things looked better back then.

Since I cherished that season too much, I’m missing out the present season that I am in and I’m in the brink of failing. My present mindset carries guilt, regrets, inferiority and insecurities and these hinder me from enjoying the moment that God has blessed.

Gawd! This is not the kind of mindset that will bring me to success.

And because of this failure consciousness, fear arises. We all know what this fear does, right? It keeps us from moving forward.

And so I have decided to finally end it, to cut all the toxic.

We all need to do it! Cut yourself off from the past whether their good or bad because it doesn’t exist anymore. That season is over. Cut away all your negative and ugly thoughts so you could enjoy every blessing that God is giving you everyday. And lastly, cut through the hedges and walls and thickets to see the bright future that God has prepared for you. There’s more to see than what meets the eye 😉.

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Thoughts of Depression


Sometimes the world seem so big that it makes me feel so small, that hiding from giants is like hiding in a roofless house.
Sometimes it becomes too small that I feel like I just don’t fit in, that running away is like running in circles. 

Sometimes it’s suffocating … and I feel dying, and in the middle of the battle, I’m unsure whether I want to survive or see the light.
I look to people.
And the people smile, joke and laugh but it makes me feel bluer than blue, sadder than sad … the feeling is just complicated.
And the thoughts start to haunt me, words come like an avalanche, lies echo like they are true. They tell me I’m nothing, worthless, least among the least, never the best, unliked, hated, unimportant, unloved … and all the words that make me want to end life.
But in the middle of my own chaos, I seek that Voice, that one glimpse of hope. 

And yes I found Him. I always find Him when I seek Him. He shut my ears from the voice of the world that offer nothing but lies and whispered love. All I needed was that breath of life to rescue me from my own battle.
And that night I realize one thing, letting go isn’t just about giving up an unrequited love but it could also mean letting go of your own beast. 

And I let it go. I emptied my heart so it could be filled again, be filled with His pure love, comfort and peace. 

And so tonight I choose light over darkness, life over death, joy over pain and love over disappointments. I choose Jesus among all other things!

Me Before I Met You 😉

There was a time in my life when being alone in the house could make me so emotional, that I cry almost every night thinking that I have no one. There was a time in my life when losing someone, a very close friend or a family member, could make me feel abandoned, that I get hurt at the thought of being left behind and forgotten. There was a time in my life when loving people means being clingy, holding on to them so much that it chokes the life out of them. 
Yes! I was dependent, clingy and insecure.

But that was the time when I didn’t know what love really means. That was the time when I haven’t encountered love yet.

And when I encountered Jesus, I encountered genuine love.

I understood that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely as well; that when somebody leaves, it doesn’t mean you’re unloved or forgotten; that loving people means giving them space.

I learned a lot of things (though most of them I learned the hard way). I learned to do things alone without feeling sad (in fact, I enjoy them a lot and would prefer to do it alone) such as walk in the street, eat at a restaurant, jog around the oval, go to the mall, etc. I learned to say goodbye without feeling afraid of being forgotten. I would miss people of course but I understood that some people don’t mean to stay. And I learned to love without demands. Just receive what people can give.


The bottomline is, I get to do all these stuff not because I am tough but because God designed me to be strong and independent. And that’s the kind of person I’m embracing, a person who enjoys the company of others but at the same time enjoy the solitary time with God.

And oh yes, I was actually NEVER alone. 😅

I’m with Jesus all the time 😉.

Finding Myself in the Middle of the Street

Here goes random stuff again. Bear with my chaotic thoughts and try to keep up, okay?

So, I was reading blogs from other people and thought to myself, I used to write a lot and see a lot of things by just looking around and could compose so many stuff in a minute. I used to be so engrossed with thinking and …

You know what? I think I lost myself.

There were times when I actually don’t know what I really like or how am I really like because this “spongebob-like” in me takes its toll on me. I mean, I get to absorb people’s hobbies and interests and thought that I like them as well but later on I would realize that I really am not interested in their stuff. When I hear people that they don’t like this and that (but these things are my interests), I tend to dislike these stuff.

Crazy, right?

The craziest part is when I get to absorb people’s way of talking to people and responding to situations.

I get confused, to be honest.

Sometimes, I ask myself, what is it that you like to do? How do you really talk to people?

And when I can’t answer them, I walk around the empty street and think. Really think.

Then I would remember …

I am a kid at heart that easily gets happy with little things like having small but deep talks with people you love, listening to music while traveling, watching the rain fall from the sky, eating a lot of food, swimming in the river, staring at the moon and the stars, writing nonsense things …

I know I was simple.

I don’t know what changed me.

Then, I was reminded that even if people are uninterested with what I do or like (or even if they find me funny), I shouldn’t change.

Just do what you love to do.

Be dramatic. Be romantic. Be nonsense. Be complicated.

You don’t have to care about what they say and think about you. 😉

Ganaps at Life Conference

Hello guys!

Last week, I went to Tagum, Davao to join the Life Conference 2017 Mindanao hosted by New Life Tagum. The theme was “The Story” which talked about how Jesus came to change our story 😉.

His story is our story.

Since this blog is about Ganaps at Life Conference that features stories, I might as well tell you the story of how I almost didn’t make it to the event.

Yes! I almost didn’t make it to LifeCon because the set date was in conflict with my class (masters … PS: I’m not enrolled yet), and I don’t have the budget (because I stopped working for a while so I didn’t have any source of income 😣).

But of course, if there’s a will, there’s always a way. I sacrificed my class for this summer (It’s fine 😉 I can still take it next summer tho) and God provided all the expenses needed (Salamat sa akong mama nga nagpaka-instrumento hahaha).

With the decision I made, totally NO REGRETS!

Alriiiight! So let’s go to the Ganaps na 😉.

So paano nga ba? Hahaha!

Oh well, anyway …

So at 4 AM, I woke up and did my personal preparations (is this even necessary in this blog? 😞 lol). 

I went to church with Troy and Nathan around 6 AM (call time). 

I needed to be early because I was the beadle (murag inana) but I wasn’t the first person to arrive although my house is very close to our church 😆.

When everyone was finally there, Pastor Al Tabernero prayed for safe travel and we departed the place around 7 AM.

Team Lente (documenters) & Team Mugna (editors) were in the same van because we need to be together to discuss further details of our task at the conference.

Am-am, Dessa & Krisna were also with us.

I had so much fun with these people all throughout the travel. They’re all crazy! They eat a lot, talk a lot, blog a lot, take pictures a lot, take videos a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot mahay (harhar 😛 boret kaayo).

We arrived at Tagum around uhm, I think 5 PM? I’m not really sure.

A group of people dancing greeted us when we got out from the bus. 

😧😧😧😧😧

Haai kapoy man diay mag story-telling ba? Hahaha! Day 1 pako! 😤😤😤😤

Ok whatever! Here’s my Top 10 Favorite Ganaps during and after the event! Hashtag The Story 😉

1. Evening Rallies

Of course! I’m sure everyone loved evening rallies especially during the Praise & Worship time.

Everyone sang, screamed, jumped, danced, worshipped, prayed, cried, raised their hands … it was amazing! It felt like attending a concert, only that God’s presence was there 😉.

2. Altar Calls

It’s a beautiful sight to see hundreds of youth giving up their lives to Jesus, rekindling the fire in their hearts, and experiencing His amazing love.

I feel so blessed every time I see this.

3. Streams

I learned a lot of things from the streams I chose. I was rebuked, reminded and rekindled. 

I get to meet and hear from new speakers as well, people I haven’t met from the past conferences. 

It was awesome!

4. Media Works

Aside from being a delegate, I was tasked to oversee the documenters. I actually didn’t do anything much except for bossing around HAHAHA! 

I want to take this space to appreciate the effort exerted of Team Lente & Team Mugna, for running around to take pictures and videos, stalking the delegate of the day, having two roles at one time (documenter slash delegate), staying up late to edit videos, and waking up early to shoot and not miss an event. 

Grabe bai! Gikapoy namo, gikasab-an pa gyud but I didn’t hear you complain.

All the words I hear from these guys is “Chuy kayo bai!”, “Lingaw!”, “Ganahan kaayo ko ani na video oh!” … and you always laugh a lot. 😉

5. Staying Up Late with these crazy kids

Sigeg kaon, walay libang-libang (excuse me hahaha 😂) Tabi diri! Tabi didto!

It’s nice to hear what’s in their hearts and get to know them more.

6. Thanksgiving Night

This isn’t really the picture of the Thanksgiving Night. I wasn’t able to take a picture because I had too much fun (char 😂). 

On the last evening of the conference, we all had the chance to mingle & fellowship with youth from other churches. 

I’m not really the type of person who talks first but I was glad that during that night, I made some friends hehe. Achievement Unlocked! Rewts!

I enjoyed the night especially during the time when Kyle had his first stand-up comedy presentation (whatever you call it).

I stayed awake until 3:45 in the morning along with Aijeleth, Popoy, EG and Troy, and some youth from New Life Catbalogan.

I had fun learning some words from other language too 😉. Waray to be specific! I learned words like maserum, mahupay, sangkay and sumati. There were some other words but I forgot na haha 😂!

7. Group Picture on the Road

Haaai naku!

So much stories to tell in this picture. We only had seconds to stay on the road and disperse immediately because of the cars and trucks passing by. 

Just imagine how our face look like every time we shout “NAAY TRUCCCK!” and then run for our lives and go back to our position to take that obligatory group picture.

Thanks Kuya Chard for taking the picture.

8. Overview Nature Park

The clouds look so close yet so far.

Buma-blaggir si ante oh! 😂

9. Moments Inside The Van

Soundtrip! Jokes! Foods! Groupies!

10. And … I don’t know what else! Hahaha! Maybe it’s the fact that I am still having a hangover for the conference!

Looking forward for LifeCon2018 😁!

Hopefully, nothing comes in the way! Nyenye!

Team Lente & Team Mugna

I love this photo. 😛😘😂

Team Lente & Team Mugna, I just wanna tell you that you guys are awesome! I can’t remember how and when we started working together (taking and editing pictures and videos) but it was the time when you responded to the need even if you were not labeled or recognized as Media Team. (That must be 3 years ago 😊)

You guys are very obedient. You do your assigned tasks without complaints. 

You remain very submissive although your team leaders fail you sometimes 😉.

You are so humble. I can tell that. You don’t brag about your skills or even act like cool kids when you are recognized as media. 

You guys are funny too 😂. I love being around you because you are all crazy.

And most importantly, you remain faithful with what God has deposited in you. Be it a small or a great task, you always give the best that you can regardless of the limitations and the lack of gadgets.

Tonight, as I watched you drop your weapons to surrender your hands to God, I can’t help but cry. You did not just improved your skills but you were also growing more passionately in love with the Lord. That is a very important ingredient to keep yourself continually serve Him.

Padayon ta Team! Padayon ta 😉!

Ang inyong pangalagad sa Ginoo dili kawang!

Reflection of an Insomniac

For seven days in a row, I’ve been experiencing sleepless nights. I could stay awake until 4 to 6 in the morning and would stay asleep from 6 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon.

Yes, I’m being an insomniac.

My days had turned into nights and nights turned to days.

There are days when I am forced to wake up because of appointments, I walk around the city feeling like I’m floating in the air. I feel like I’m a zombie walking on daylight. My head is very dizzy like I couldn’t think well; my eyes are heavy; and my body is very weak.

Once, I almost got sideswept while walking on the street.

During the night, at 8 pm, I could feel the weight of my body wanted to sleep and rest. My eyes are heavy as well, very sleepy but I just cannot sleep. I toss and turn at nights, listen to classical music, exercise, drink a glass of milk, pray … but it was no use.

On Saturday, I tried to figure out the cause of my insomnia. I discovered two reasons 

One, my sleeping lifestyle was disrupted when I watched a K-drama and I stayed awake until 6 am.

And two, I’m hmmm, emotionally, mentally and spiritually unstable.

I have been bothered by an issue in my life for four months and I never tried to settle it. At nights when I stay awake, I kept on thinking about it but never did anything about it.

I kept on talking to God about it but I failed to listen to what He has to say.

Sometimes, this whole thing, I thought of it that maybe I was experiencing a quarter-life crisis; however, the signs I googled never led me to believe that I’m experiencing such crisis.

And today marks the 7th day that I stayed awake until 4 am.

I hope everything gets well this week.